Trapped In A Moment
by KarmaClassic
Summary: The door won’t open!" What happens when you're stuck in a room with your worse enemy. Secrets will be told and lines will be blurred
1. Unhappy Soul

_**Author's Note: I don't own Degrassi or any of the Degrassi character. The only thing here that is mine is this story so no duplications please.**_

**_A couple things need to be known to understand this fanfic. It takes place around Crazy Little Thing Called Love, but before Sean found out about Jay and Emma. Anything else will be explained throughout the story or you can contact me if anything don't make sense._**

****

As I lay in my bed I think about the same things that always circle my mind. My Life. For some reason I still feel like something is missing, like something deep inside of me is yelling out for something or anything to fill it. I don't understand how I can come so far and still not have moved a muscle. I feel like I'm waiting for it to finally click, but it just doesn't seem to be happening.

I remember when life was simple for me. The only things that mattered to me were my mom and the environment. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that time. When it was just me and her and I felt so free and uninhibited. Like I could do anything by just believing it was possible. Before boys, drama, and change became permanent fixtures in my life. Before doubt and fear became such a big part of me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a lie. That all my confidence and virtue is just a front. It baffles me that what people see in me isn't at all what I see in myself. It makes me wonder if anyone knows the real me because I'm not sure I do anymore.

So I lay here and pretend that everything is okay. That I'm complete. And that what everyone sees in me is what I am… Because if I don't I'll be completely lost. More so than I am now and that's just something I can't handle.

It's ten minutes until my alarm goes off and as I look across the room at Manny I pray for her contentness. I count the minutes until I have to trug through another day. It seems like time is moving too fast. I wish I could lay here forever because when I'm here I don't have to be the crusader and protector. Here, I can just be. Here, no one is depending on me and that is the closest thing I've got to being happy.

So as my alarm goes off I put on my mask and prepare myself for the day to come. I become joyful for Manny, happy and content for my parents, a rock for Sean, and a figure of ethics and strength for everyone else.

"Emma, come on. We don't wanna be late for school."

"I'm coming." I take one last look in my mirror and suck in that insecure and lonely girl to make my way up those steps and out the front door.

"So Em, how are you and Sean doing?"

"Fine, I guess…"

"What do you mean you 'guess'."

"Just that with everything that's happened it's hard to get back to normal, you know?"

"Not really. I've never had a boyfriend that's been in jail, but you and Sean are like meant to be so I know everything is gonna work out."

"I guess you're right. I'm just worrying too much." I give the best smile I can muster and look discreetly away from her.

"Hey. I'll see you later. The bell's about to ring."

As she walked away I thought about what we said more and more. Something in me wanted to just agree with Manny about what's been bothering me. Something just wanted me to be joyful and hopeful because she wanted me to be. That's what I hate the most about myself… I unconsciously bury my emotions for everyone else. I hate it. One day I'm gonna burst from keeping this all bottled up, but until then… I'm just gonna keep moving like nothing is wrong. It's better for everyone that way.

The day dragged on forever. When the final bell rang I was so relieved. Sean said he would meet me outside of the school to walk me home. I love how sweet he is sometimes. I think it's the little things he does for me that make me remember why I fell in love with him.

As I make my way down the steps to my loving boyfriend a loud and overly happy Manny runs up to us interrupting what could've been a beautiful moment between the two of us. Before I even have a chance to ask her what she's so pumped about she begins speaking a mile a minute.

"Oh My God! There is gonna be this wicked party at this guy named Trey's house. Em, we HAVE to go!" She was so excited. She even had that stupid wide-faced grin of hers plastered on her face.

Me and Sean look at each other quizzically trying to figure out what each other wants to do. I really didn't wanna do the party and am hoping Sean can see that.

"Yeah Manny, that sounds cool. Don't you thing, Em?"

_No I don't! _It's like he can't read me at all. I REALLY don't wanna go. _I'll just tell them. They love me… they'll understand._ Right?

"Well, I… I… I can't wait." _God I suck._ I gave a fake smile that once upon a time Sean would've been able to see through. I guess I'll need to pretend for a little longer.


	2. Suffocate

Once again I stand in front of this mirror wishing it could project the real me to the world. That I could step through it and bring everything I feel out to be seen. But I can't! The words never seem to form and when they do I can never speak them. So I sit and watch, waiting for someone to notice how unhappy and lonely I am. Someone… anyone to se **ME.**

"Em…Earth to Em!"

"Oh, what?" I completely forgot she was in the room.

"I said, what are you gonna wear to the party? You know if I was you…" Once again my mind wonders away from her and whatever stupid, insignificant thing she's caring on about.

My attention is once again on the mirror and the image looking back at me. I don't know why the mirror captivates me so much. If you didn't know me you'd think I was deeply conceited as often as I'm looking at myself in it. I don't know why I do it but maybe if I look long enough the answer will come to me. Maybe not…

"So Em, what do you think?"

"Um… Manny you're the style expert. Whatever you think should be just fine."

"Cool! Em you are gonna look so HOT tonight. First we need to get…" Once again she goes on pulling out shirts, skirts, and anything else that is possibly in our closet.

Sometimes I wish I could be like her. She's so free and uncaring. No one depends on her to survive. If and when she messes up its not such a bad thing. It just seems like when I do something wrong people act like an apocalypse is coming. It's ridiculous how much faith people put in me. Like I'm the freaking Pope or Mother Teresa… Even they are just human.

"Come on Em and get dressed. Sean said he'd be here in like half an hour."

"I'm going."

"Well go a little faster before fashionably late becomes extremely late."

By the time Sean gets to the house both me and Manny are ready to go. Her overly excited attitude makes my lackluster one seem very noticeable.

"You okay, babe?"

"Yeah"

So I do what I do best, put on my fake smile and pretend like this is the most significant event in my life to date. It easily fools both Sean and Manny like it always does and we're off in Sean's sexy red car that he's finally gotten back after his stint in prison.

As we sit in the car I fall silent as I look out the window at the world passing me by. I find it to be funny how I feel like that all the time. A small giggle escapes me as I look to Sean in the drivers seat. He returns my assumed joy with an innocent smirk and squeeze of my hand. I love how happy I make him. I think it would kill him to know he isn't able to bring me the same amount of joy. But the relationship is worth it because he needs me. Whether he knows that I know or not, I am his reason for returning to Degrassi. His reason for trying. I can't take that away from him.

About ten minutes or so later we arrived at the party. To say I wasn't ecstatic about being here would be an understatement. But hey I'm here. As we walk up to the door my breath stops in my chest. I don't know if I can fake it for as long as this night is gonna be, but I have to try.

Once inside Manny becomes one with the crowd of drunken and sweaty teenagers while Sean and I glide slowly through the people. I feel kinda bad keeping Sean so close considering how much he wants to cut loose and enjoy himself. I know I can't do that for him and I'm not gonna stand in his way either.

"Sean… go have fun. I'm gonna lay back here." He looked at me as if I was testing him or something. "Seriously! Go! I'll be fine." He gives me a quick kiss on the cheek and makes his way into the crowd of people. With seconds he's out of my site.

For the first couple of minutes of me standing here I'm completely fine, but as time progresses that feeling of loneliness and depression begins to creep up my spine. It becomes harder for me to pretend and I know I need to get away from everything and everyone.

So I quickly sleek myself upstairs and into the first room I see. Apparently I'm in the bathroom, but in my mid 50 miles away. It's just so had for me to breath right now. I feel as if I'm gonna die and tears begin to fall like rain from my eyes. I'm so wrapped up in myself that I don't even notice that someone else is in the room with me.

"Excuse me! Someone's in here!" a male voice yells to me and I completely come out of my trance.

"Oh. I'm so sorry I didn't… JAY!" To think my complete and total meltdown was just witnessed by the last person I'd want to see me weak.

"Yeah, who else were expecting Greenpeace? Now if you don't mind…" He made a gesture toward the door. "GET OUT!"

"Fine, I was going." I say with ass much bitchiness as I can manage at that moment.

But as I pull on the door it doesn't move. And the more I jiggle the knob, the more it mocks me by staying put.

"Well, what are you waiting for? An invitation to stay and chat?" I didn't say anything just glared at him. What an asshole! "If you haven't noticed I'm no in the mood to be bugged by you right now, Greenpeace. So if you could go that be just…"

"If I could I would you idiot. The door won't open!" He looks at me with this confused look so I decide that I need to simplify it for him.

As if I'm talking to a slow person I take a deep and aggravated breath and say:

"WE. ARE. LOCKED. IN"


	3. No Way In Hell

There was no way in hell I was locked in a bathroom with Greenpeace. And to top if off that bitch was screaming at the top of her lungs like someone was really gonna hear her. Like there isn't a kick ass party going on downstairs. I knew I just shouldn't have come out tonight. First I run into that crazy stalker chick, Marlow, that I used to talk to and have to hide out in the bathroom, now I'm stuck in a small space with the last girl I'd ever wanna be around. God would have to be one twisted guy to do that. On second thought this girl is probably too stupid to open the door for fear it might hurt the precious wood it's made of. Every single damn time I get around this girl she just happens to find a way to irritate the hell out of me… Looks like I'm gonna have to show here how it's done.

"Shut up and move aside Sprout. Let me show you how it's done." She gives me this really condescending look, but moves out of my way and for once keeps her trap shut. If you looked close enough you could tell that she hoped I was right in my thinking, but her pride is too important to her to let it show.

As I pulled on the knob it remained unmoving. I realized at that moment that God was a real dick. Just add this to my long list of reasons for not following him. Every time I look up he's fucking with my livelihood.

In the back I could hear a slow motion clap escape her hands. I could feel her smirk burn the back of my neck. She probably thought of this as a win for the feminist crap she peddles all the time. Like this moment really had an effect on the plight of women everywhere, but hey… this little crusader never really saw the big picture.

"Way to go Jay. You really showed me how 'it's done'."

I didn't say anything, if you can believe that. I just walked past her and planted my ass on the toilet seat. If what I thought was correct we were going to be here for a minute.

Even though I didn't retaliate against her smug comment she still wouldn't shut that trap of hers. Going on about overly macho I was and how once again I've proven that the arrogance of men doesn't amount to much or something like that. Truth be told I wasn't paying much attention to what she was yammering on about I find it mind-boggling how Sean can deal with her shit. I mean she'd probably make a good lay from time to time, but the way he's attached to her doesn't make sense.

Like five minutes later she was still going, but no longer talking to me. Her words seemed to be directed at herself, but saying them out loud made their importance to her relevant. To say it was starting to not just annoy me, but piss me off would be an understatement. I just needed her to shut up.

"Would you shut the hell up already?!" She seemed to be completely shocked by my outburst and mildly offended but she shut up almost immediately and sat down. I had just realized that this entire time she had been pacing. It surprised me how easy it was to get her to stop… a little too easy.

"Sorry." One word so simple, but coming from her it seemed completely foreign and in some way wrong.

"For what?" She was really starting to freak me out like at any moment she was gonna get this far away look in her eyes and kill me.

"Going on like a crazy person, being a bitch to you about something that's not even your fault. Take your pick, I'm sorry." She looked at me with such sincerity in her eyes. To say I don't know how to deal with her this way would be an understatement. So I did the first thing that came to me. Make fun of her.

"Don't go getting all mushy on me Greenpeace. Next thing you know you're gonna want us to go back and forth sharing feelings."

"You know what? Fuck you Jay."

"Oh my! Did our little Nature Freak just say a bad word?"

"You really are an ass you know? I was trying to be genuine with you for the first time and you would make a joke out of it. Like it isn't bad enough that we're stuck in here with no way…"

"No" I don't know exactly what drove me to say it but she was wrong.

"No? What do you mean 'No'?"

"This isn't the first time you've been genuine with me. I thought I was more memorable than that. You sure you don't remember?" Though true, I knew bringing this time us was gonna really piss her off. Its gotta be one of the lower points in her shiny little existence.

"That doesn't count." Her voice cracked slightly and you could tell she was very uncomfortable, but I couldn't stop now. This was just too easy.

"Oh yes it does my little bracelet buddy. Everything counts."

"I was vulnerable…you took advantage of that. Plus it wasn't even real sex! I…"

"Oh please. You're a smart girl; we both know you can come up with a better lie to tell yourself." I began to move closer to her. The unease in her face and my growing power over this situation was so tantalizing. "Tell me… when Sean is on top of you and making you moan in pleasure does he know I made you cum first?" I whispered the last part in her ear as if it was a secret. It actually was to her and I guess me (where Sean is concerned). It's probably her biggest one to date.

As I back away from her I could see fear in her eyes. I couldn't help but to give my classic smirk while staring her dead in her now darkened face.

This round belonged to me, we both knew it. And as she went to sit in the tub she made sure not to face me. For a second I felt bad. I knew it would hurt her, but it seems to have done more… I just don't know what.

Yes, we would be here for a while and as of now I'm on top… I think.


	4. This Nightmare

When I realized we were locked in the bathroom I lost it and started screaming at the top of my lungs. A number of things went through my mind as I yelled for someone… anyone to save me from this hellhole. Sean, this stupid party, and of course my cellmate, Jay. Out of all the people in the world to be stuck next to why Jay. I mean, since Sean got out of jail I've successfully avoided Jay for the better part of a month or so. As if my life wasn't damaged enough I now had to be subjected to Jay's cruel sense of joy.

He can't be all evil… no one is. Look at Alex, even she's calmed down and become a somewhat tolerable human being.

Jay's macho provado never ceases to amaze me. You can tell him something clear as day, but in his mid it just doesn't seem able to sink into that thick skull of his. It just seems like he never looks at the big picture.

"Shut up and move aside Sprout. Let me show you how it's done." Now if that isn't one of the most pig-headed thing I've ever heard. Jay is like a dog with fleas. Appealing from afar, but you don't wanna get too close for fear of what it has rubbing off on you.

And of course he wasn't able to get it open. I mildly hoped he would, but it serves him right for his testosterone driven dopiness. I couldn't resist pointing it out to him. So I appalled his dumbness and gave a smirk that I knew would crawl under his skin. He deserved it.

"Way to go Jay. You really showed me how 'it's done'." I decided it best not to outwardly laugh at him, but to use this time to get a few things off my chest about his alpha-male attitude. After about a minute I realized he wasn't listening to me, but talking was somehow very comforting to me. So I kept going. No longer speaking to him, but to my soul. It felt good and relaxed; something I haven't encountered in a long time. Well at least until…

"Would you shut the hell up already?!" It was more of a command then a question and though I was insulted by his words, I was more surprised by how easily I got wrapped up in myself. I mean I've made so many strides to keep how I truly feel about my life and myself under wraps and her I am subjecting Jay to my insane banter. It kinda made me feel bad for making him withstand it all. Trust me it's a lot to cover.

"Sorry." That may be one of the hardest things I've ever imagined doing, apologizing to Jay, but it was strangely easy to say. Almost effortless.

"For what?" It surprised me that he cared or even acknowledged it as being worth his time, but he did.

"Going on like a crazy person, being a bitch to you about something that's not even your fault. Take your pick, I'm sorry." It sounded deeper than I had meant it. A simple explanation had become more. My guard was slipping and I really didn't like that. And to make everything worse he had to open his stupid big mouth.

"Don't go getting all mushy on me Greenpeace. Next thing you know you're gonna want us to go back and forth sharing feelings." What a dick!

"You know what? Fuck you Jay."

"Oh my! Did our little Nature Freak just say a bad word?" To think I was being real with him. He can't even handle that.

"You really are an ass you know? I was trying to be genuine with you for the first time and you would make a joke out of it. Like it isn't bad enough that we're stuck in here with no way…"

"No" Okay now that is so random

"No? What do you mean 'No'?"

"This isn't the first time you've been genuine with me. I thought I was more memorable than that. You sure you don't remember?" I can't believe him. Why would he bring that up? Probably just to spite me. And after everything I've done to forget… _'Tell me you want it.'_

"That doesn't count." My uncomfortableness and fear of where this conversation was going laced my every word.

"Oh yes it does my little bracelet buddy. Everything counts." Why does he have to do this to me? Why does he need me to… _'Oh God Jay! I want you.'_ I just need him to stop.

"I was vulnerable…you took advantage of that. Plus it wasn't even real sex! I…"

"Oh please. You're a smart girl; we both know you can come up with a better lie to tell yourself." I don't get why he was pushing this so hard. _'You like that don't you?'_ I couldn't talk anymore. It was taking all my energy to keep from thinking about it. It was a painful and dark time for me and I've made a lot of mistakes because of it. I thought I was past this.

If at all possible the bathroom seemed to close in around us. Looking into his eyes I could see the pleasure he gained from seeing me this way. The closer he got to me the more I felt like I was being suffocated. And the sick part about this is he enjoyed doing this to me.

"Tell me… when Sean is on top of you and making you moan in pleasure does he know I made you cum first?" _'I need you…I need you to keep touching me.'_

It hurt. Sean didn't know and it killed me to know that at any moment Jay could tell him. I mean they work together, their best friends, it's bound to come up eventually. That scared the living crap out of me. Sean finding out about Jay and My encounter before I'm strong enough to handle it just is too much for me right now.

I was silent, words had no purpose here anymore. As I moved to the tub I made sure not to face him. I couldn't because I let him in and he won. I closed my eyes to block out my surroundings and with every breath I took the touch and feel of his hands on my body, the look of pleasure on his face, and the pleasure I felt came rushing back to the surface. I felt wrong for remembering it so well and enjoying it. Like in some way I was defective because to this day I don't think of what we did as a bad thing, but a bad end.

I curled my legs into my body and tried to push the thought away. It hurt too much to relive. I could feel the tears threatening to drop and it was taking all I had to keep them in. Finally one poured out mocking me. Reminding me that my life really did suck.


	5. The Danger of the Past

When you are locked away from all civilization you are given a period of reflection. A time when you can think about your life and how satisfied you are with it. The bad things you've done and the people you've hurt. You get a time to reevaluate who you are and if you even like being you. If most of the world looked deep enough you'd realize that the answer is NO. All reflection gets you is low self-esteem and self-doubt. Example given, Emma Nelson.

Se's been sitting in that tub for a while now trying to smother her whimpers. Thinking of the past only gives you regret. It's not hard see that the past has no precedence in the now… Why do you think they call it the past? But people don't work like that. They dwell on their misfortunes and hold in the pain. It's their messed up way of surviving.

If I let every fucked up and unfair thing that's happened to me effect me I'd be worse off than her. I'd probably be in a white box somewhere sustained by a slew of prescription drugs like prozac or vicaden.

So to say I find her weeping to be a trivial occurrence is just the half of it. I find it to be weak and pathetic, something I've come to believe wasn't ingrained in this girl's head. Apparently I was wrong. She's so typical. A fake and imitation. It disappoints me to see that after all is said and done, with all the protesting, and feminist/environmentalist crap she tries to sell to the public, that she's so… ordinary.

"I expected more from you." She turns to me with this insulted type of shock and in return I gave her my signature smirk. "I mean to let a little thing like volcano erupting orgasms to get you down? I thought it'd take more. Maybe global warming, the extinction of the polar bear, maybe even…"

"SHUT UP!" Finally she speaks. "Where do you get off?" Whoa now this is gonna be interesting. "I haven't done a thing to you in years. Do you get some type of sick pleasure from making me feel even more like shit." Even more? What was that suppose to mean?

"Like your Malibu Barbie dreamhouse life has so many issues without me. Think of it as a compliment. Me taking the time out to kick you off that high ass pedestal you eat, sleep, and shit on." She looked at me with amusement and anger. I didn't get her angle.

"My pedestal…that's all you got? My so-called pedestal that I 'eat, sleep, and SHIT on'? Wake up and look past the wrapping cuz my PEDESTAL has been sinking for a while now. Just that you and everyone else are too blind to notice." She rolled her eyes and walked back to her spot in the tub.

What the hell was that? She couldn't be serious. What in the world does she have to be sad about? _'My pedestal is sinking'_. She gotta come better than that to make me believe everything with her isn't moonlight and roses. See, she's just like these petty dramatic bitches, trying to guilt me into feeling bad for her. It'll be a cold day in **Hell** before I pity little privileged Emma Greenpeace Nelson. The worse thing to happen to Emma in the past two years is probably the gonorrhea thing and I don't know, forgetting her history homework.

See what happens when you focus on the past? Little things become bigger than they actually are. Pain becomes torture and trust is nonexistent. Past is something that bites onto your present and holds on until you've fallen completely apart. She's perfect for it to stick its teeth in. So flawed and needy. She'll be lucky if she makes it to graduation. She'll probably breakdown in the middle of crossing the stage. Now that would be something. Emma Nelson crashing and burning on stage, in front of everyone of her little followers and classmates. Yeah, I'd pay good money to see something like…

"OW!" No she didn't just chuck a used bar of soap at my head.

"And another thing! Where the hell do you get the right to judge me? Since when is your existence worth so much more than mine?!"

"Hey I was just…"

"Shut up! I try to be civil to you but obviously that's not enough." This girl has totally lost it. "I give you the benefit of the doubt to the best of my ability and you always manage to make it frivolous." You could see the anguish in her eyes and the painfulness of the words she spoke. A twinge of guilt came over me. I had to say something.

"But I…"

"DON'T!... You walk around like the world and I owe you something." She was calmer as she continued. "Poor Jay. What? Mommy loved the drugs and Jons more than you? Daddy smacked you around a little? Poor UNFORTUNATE Jay. Life is so hard for you that you have to put down everyone else to believe you're worth something!" She is so totally out of line now. An evil grin crossed her face and a chuckle escaped her mouth. "You are so pathetic. A poser and a fake. If I was you I wouldn't waste my time fucking with people because you're still **insignificant** and **worthless**!"

"Where the…?"

"PLEASE, you don't even exist to this world." I was speechless. No comeback would satisfy my need to prove her wrong. No comeback could make her see that I mattered. "And you have the NERVE to talk about me?! You're no better . In fact, you worse because you're everything you hate and more. Weak, pathetic…ORDINARY!" She paused before she continued taking in the power she had over me at this minute. "And the sad part about it is… You don't even realize it." The last part was softer symbolizing the end of her rant. She stood there staring me down, judging me, and feeling triumphant.

She was. I had nothing to say cuz she was right. All I could do was return to my side of the bathroom and turn away from her. She got this round. Her and that indescribable bitch I call the Past.


	6. Ruthlessness of Power

Power is a very deadly thing for people to have. Power over a place, a thing, a PERSON… Power is and always will be a deciding factor in human society. One can't seem to survive soundly without some type of power. Whether it's power over oneself or another, people need it to cope with living. We put people down and set boundaries as a way of asserting power. We keep SECRETS and blackmail those we view as threats. Nothing is more scary in human nature than having a lack of power. Why do you think we freak out about terrorists, war and Presidential elections? Because if we choose wrong or something goes not according to plan our power is tainted. And tainted power dwindles until completely useless.

As I sit in this tub trying my best to regain my power I understand that he's in control. Even locked away in a bathroom he has managed to assert himself as the alpha-male. Bringing up past events and dangerous secrets has allowed him to gain the upper hand, take away MY power. So I give in and cry, become common and weak because for just a second he got to me. For just a second I agreed with him. For just a second I feared what pain he could cause me without even touching me.

Letting him in was never planned or ventured, it just sort of happened. I don't know what it is about Jay that seems to make my guard falter. It's like last time, minus the sexual tension anyway. He can just weasel his way into my innermost thoughts and snatch the one thing I don't want to be seen. It's always pissed me off that he had the power to see through my façade. I chock it up to studying your enemy. You know, strategy and war.

So I sit here hating him and powerless. Wishing that all the aggravation of our situation would stop and we'd be freed from this lemon scented prison.

"I expected more from you. I mean to let a little thing like volcano erupting orgasms to get you down? I thought it'd take more. Maybe global warming, the extinction of the polar bear, maybe even…" I can't believe him. Coming back for more? As if he hasn't already successfully made me seem so pitiful. Like he hasn't pushed me down far enough! And that stupid smirk! Go I wish he'd just…

"SHUT UP!" I was done with this. He didn't deserve the power and I sure as hell wasn't gonna let him keep it. "Where do you get off?… I haven't done a thing to you in years. Do you get some type of sick pleasure from making me feel even more like shit." I'm barely hanging on as is, I don't need this. I DON'T DISERVE THIS!

"Like your Malibu Barbie dreamhouse life has so many issues without me." He is such an idiot. He doesn't even know half of what I'm going through or any of my problems. "Think of it as a compliment. Me taking the time out to kick you off that high ass pedestal you eat, sleep, and shit on." His assumption is laughable. He tends to be able to read me so well sometimes, but now he's just like everyone else. So blind and typical.

"My pedestal…that's all you got?" I can't believe out of all the years we've been subjected to each other the pedestal theory is his best argument. "My so-called pedestal that I 'eat, sleep, and SHIT on'? Wake up and look past the wrapping cuz my PEDESTAL has been sinking for a while now." I'm tired of that princess perfect thing that everyone got me stuck under. It's not even half way true. "Just that you and everyone else are too blind to notice." By the look on his face he was a little bewildered and felt kinda stupid. Good, he needed to.

His ass has been down my back for a while now. Allowing his intrudence is really starting to get to me. He's always putting me down and trying to say what's wrong with me. What about his faults?! Everyone knows he is far from perfect. It's always a power struggle with him. I'm so tired of it! Tired of HIM! In the mist of this realization somehow a bar of Dove soap is in my hand. As I grip it tight anger over comes me and the next thing I know it's connecting with Jay's thick skull.

"OW!" Fuck being respectful or playing nice. If we were trapped in here I was gonna get a few things off my chest.

"And another thing! Where the hell do you get the right to judge me? Since when is your existence worth so much more than mine?!"

"Hey I was just…"

"Shut up! I try to be civil to you but obviously that's not enough. I give you the benefit of the doubt to the best of my ability and you always manage to make it frivolous." I was done keeping it in and trying to play good guy. It all hurt too much.

"But I…"

"DON'T!..." I didn't want an excuse. I wanted to speak and most of all I wanted him to **listen. **"You walk around like the world and I owe you something." It felt good to say these things. It almost had a Zen-like effect on me. "Poor Jay. What? Mommy loved the drugs and Jons more than you? Daddy smacked you around a little? Poor UNFORTUNATE Jay." During our little stint as whatever we were Me and Jay talked about some stuff. In his case his home life. Nothing too serious, but enough for me to be able to feel in the blanks. "Life is so hard for you that you have to put down everyone else to believe you're worth something! You are so pathetic. A poser and a fake. If I was you I wouldn't waste my time fucking with people because you're still **insignificant** and **worthless**!" I was beyond feeling bad for my words. I said it to hurt him and I knew it would. Some of it I believed and other stuff I said just to make him feel pain.

"Where the…?"

"PLEASE, you don't even exist to this world." "And you have the NERVE to talk about me?! You're no better." You could see my words sink into his soul like a knife, piercing his very existence. "In fact, you worse because you're everything you hate and more. Weak, pathetic…ORDINARY! And the sad part about it is… You don't even realize it." In that moment we traded places. It wasn't planned but somewhere between my yelling and his failed attempts at defending himself, our roles in this isolated room changed. And you know what?... It felt good.

Power is the deciding factor between me and him. Who has it and who has enough balls to keep it. For once my fight for power against him wasn't useless. For once I've come out on top. Me and Power, the ultimate Juggernaut.


	7. Silence is Deafening

Silence. Nothing fucks with me more than silence. With silence comes the unknown and the uncomfortable. Silence comes before the change, the shift in what you know and understand. Before the storm that turns you upside down and tosses you around like a paper doll. Silence is deadly, not for what it is, but for what it brings to the surface. That unholiness that you never see coming.

"Say something." She spoke first. I knew she would. My pride wouldn't allow me to venture there and her need for companionship made her.

"What do you expect me to say Greenpeace? After your low blow to my past I think we've both said enough." What she said got to me and I knew she'd feel guilty if I mentioned it. Plus I was tired of fighting with her. Believe it or not it bored me, but it's all we know to do with each other so I guess we just go with it.

"My low blow? What about yours? In my eyes we're even." Even that was laughable. We could never be even because one of us always had to be a winner and a loser.

"I think not. I mentioned a little stain on your happy life; you mentioned my existence, my **family**. We are nowhere near even." Once again I was turned away from her allowing the silence to overtake the room. After a minute or so she spoke again choosing her words more delicately this time.

"You're right… on some level." She would never completely allow me to prove her wrong. Her need for control didn't accept error without protest. "But since we're both stuck in here can we at least call a timeout." She seemed hopeful and like I said before I was tired of our usual interaction. So against my better judgment I agreed releasing a faltered smile on her face. It recoiled almost as fast as it appeared. As if smiling was against the law or not appropriate for this particular series of events.

"So…"

"So" There was a level of confusion in the air. With us no longer at odds we really didn't have much to do. We were trapped in a bathroom for goodness sakes. What could we do?!

"Um… why don't we play a game?" As soon as she said it I could tell she wished she hadn't. It puzzled me a little that she second guessed herself so quickly in a situation that doesn't really have a right or wrong answer.

"What kinda game Greenpeace? You got a scrabble board or deck of cards hidden under that tight, little number you got on?" It was meant as a joke, but she took it as an insult. A quick case of damage control was needed on my part to keep the peace. "Seriously, what kinda game?" This time I spoke softer and looked her directly in the eyes letting her know I was giving her suggestion a fair shake.

"Um… truth or dare? 20 questions?"

"To keep your virtue in tack we'll play 20 questions." Truth or Dare is lame with only two people. Playing 20 questions would probably kill the amount of time it took someone to have to take a piss and end up freeing us.

"Ok. You go first."

"Here's an easy one. Are you happy? And remember to answer truthfully." This game would be a breeze. She'd answer her questions and I mine and we'd be done with this.

"No. When I really think about it I'm not." I expected an easy one word answer. I would have bet money on a yes.

As I looked at her I expected her to continue, but she didn't. It was like the bravery it took her to say that had faded away. She just stared at me awaiting my next question.

"Why?" I needed to know. Not knowing would haunt me.

"I really don't know. It just seems like it's all not enough anymore. That being with Sean and having everyone around me happy isn't enough anymore to make me happy. I don't know. It just feels like something I missing, but I just can't figure out what."

That question held a very deep answer and seeing that we were on the subject of being satisfied a couple of questions came to mind.

"Do you think Sean is the one for you?" I always wanted to know. Since the first time I heard kids at Degrassi speak of their relationship as this destined thing. It makes you wonder if they do.

"Truthfully…" This took much thought on her part. Another question I expected an easy answer out of once again wasn't as I had foreseen it. "I doubt it… Don't get me wrong, he's this big part of my life, but I don't think we can handle forever together. We both have so much baggage. It's not as simple as just wanting each other anymore." Damn. That answer needed a continuation, my fourth question.

"Then, why are you with him?" Sean is my boy and all but if she don't see anything in their relationship why be one?

"He needs me." It seemed so simple to her, but for me it didn't even break the surface. She was really wasting my questions with these brief answers.

"What do you mean 'he needs' you?"

"Sean is and has always been a troubled person. At some point or another, things just seem to fall apart for him… But I don't. I'm his Emma. His stability… His salvation. Whether I asked to be or not. There was a time when I needed him more than his need for me and I was broken. We weren't together because that's **NOT** how we work. Sean needs me to be his redemption and I care about him too much to not be."

Once again there was silence. It warned us of what was to come. Things neither of us could take back nor forget.

"But do you love him?" Her answer was short and didn't take much thought.

"Once, but right now…No." She looked completely ashamed to say it out loud. By the look on her face I could tell she'd thought about it before just today.

"Does that make me a bad person?" The terror and fear that it did overcame her and tears fell.

"No, not at all."


	8. Question are Deadly

Questions tend to hold answers greater tan expected. Whether they are spoken or silently thought they are there shaping who we are. Nothing is ever as simple as yes or no… nothing.

20 questions. I thought it would be simple enough, something to get rid of the silence. I hated that thick silence more than the fights that Jay and I had. I couldn't take it. Playing a game just made sense. You know keep the peace and rid myself of that annoyingly awkward silence. I'd answer my questions and Jay his, and hopefully by the time we finished someone will have found us. Sounds simple, but really isn't… AT ALL. It became a release, a chance to stop faking my way through my so-called happy existence. It became something I needed to do… even if it is in front of Jay.

"No, not at all" Those words meant so much to me. I don't even think he realized what he gave me at that moment. For once my true feelings weren't wrong or bad or un-NORMAL. I wanted to believe him with everything I had in me because if he was right then I wasn't broken… well not completely anyway.

"Don't you have like 14 more questions to go?" I wiped my eyes and tried my hardest to give a genuine smile. Anything to just move along this game. Anything just so Jay wouldn't think I'd completely lost my footing.

"Yeah…Um…What's the best day of your life?" I could tell his question was meant to calm the storm clouds forming around my head. It was sweet of him and greatly needed.

"My mom had just graduated from Degrassi so we went out to celebrate. It was just me, my mom, and my grandmother." Thinking back to that time filled me with this enormous amount of joy that seemed to be lacking in my current life. "It was just a dinner, but my mom let me get this big piece of cake with fudge, gummy bears, and Oreos. I've never been so happy." I looked up to see Jay really focusing on my words. It was comforting to know he actually cared what came out of my mouth. "You know that was one of the last times I've seen my Grandmother."

"Why? If she's **your** grandmother why would that have been one of the last?" He emphasized the 'your' like that meant that if she was someone that belonged to me that automatically meant she wouldn't leave or be anything less than perfect. I almost didn't even feel like answering the question, but he seemed genuinely curious about it. Plus he did waste one of his questions to ask it. Mine as well be fair.

"Well… a month or two later her and my mom had this big falling out about what she was gonna do now that she was done with school. My mom and me moved out almost immediately after that and didn't have any contact with my grandmother until… until… September 16, 1998." I didn't wanna say anything more. I had already dived into painful territory by even answering the question. Saying much more would put me back to how I was just seconds ago and I really liked the feeling I was getting from just **being**.

"What happened on September 16, 1998?"

"Her funeral." I hated this memory. Probably because it took away the little bit of family I had outside me and my mom without marriage or half-blood relations. She was just there and she loved me and now she's gone. "Um… She was in an accident… with a drunk driver… It was a… head on collision… She died on impact." I couldn't look up as a said how it happened. It was all too painful for me to think about. Even with all the problems that her and my mom had she remains one of the most important people in my life. To lose her like that just eats away at me ALL THE TIME. If it weren't for her I don't think I'd have anything. "She left us the house and her hair shop in her will. To this day we still have both." I was done thinking about her. It just added to the sadness I felt already and that was pretty sad to begin with.

"Damn. That really sucks." He said it as a whisper and a cleared his throat as soon as he noticed I heard him. "If it makes you feel better, at least you got good memories with your grandmother. Mine's pretty much hated me. She called be a bastard child and would say how she wished she'd pushed my mother down a flight of stairs when she was pregnant with me so she would have never had the **'displeasure'** of meeting me… At least yours **LOVED** you." Wow. It's really hard to pity yourself when you hear something like that.

"I'm sorry… I didn't know you…"

"Don't worry about it. So, on to the next question…"

The next few questions were pretty simple. Basic stuff, like my favorite class, color, TV show, stuff like that. They weren't at all as deep or thought out like the first couple, but they were still things he hadn't known about me. They were all pretty light-hearted until the 6th to last question. By how long it took him to say it I could tell he'd wanted to ask it for a while, but just now got around to saying it out loud.

"Why me?..." I gave him a confused looked which he soon clarified. "Why'd you choose me to confide in after the shooting? Why not Manny or your parents or any of your other friends? **WHY ME?**" As soon as he said the question I knew the answer. But knowing it is one thing and saying it out loud is a totally different thing. I can't exactly say that I wanted to tell him that reason.

"Technically you chose me." I was staling. I really didn't want to get into this right now. 

"True, but you accepted. Now answer the question… TRUTHFULLY." The answer was important to him. There was no way of calling a redo for this one. So I gave in and gave him what he wanted to know.

"You were easy, fun and…" It was hard to admit out loud. Especially in front of him.

"Wow, easy and fun. I was hoping for a…"

"AND… at the time, you were the **ONLY ONE** who understood me." It's weird to say, but still true. Through all the bickering, name calling, and animosity between each other there has always been this knowing feeling. Like we understood each other. Why do you think we were always so good at getting under each other's skin. "You were real ALL THE TIME and I knew you wouldn't treat me like this delicate thing just because of the shooting." He seemed to be satisfied and surprised by the answer enough to continue.

"What were we to you? Cuz there was a moment in all that, after the Alex thing, when it seemed like you wanted… more." Another question with a simple, yet difficult answer.

"Beyond what people might think, it wasn't just sexual. I wouldn't have compromised myself for something that was purely sexual." He looked at me with confusion. As if I had sprouted 3 heads since I began to speak. "Jay, you were my salvation in a time when I was really lost and in your own way you released me. Without you I wouldn't have survived that point in my life. You gave me back my strength."

"Wow… I didn't think I'd done that much for you." He kinda laughed, kinda coughed, and avoided making eye contact with me. It was sweet. He was embarrassed by what I said. It kinda made him look like a little boy.

"Next question."

"Did you regret it?"

"No…" It was an answer not widely expected from me and in most settings I would have to deny it, but it was the truth.

"It ended badly, but it wasn't really your fault or mine. We both were stupid. You didn't use a condom and I didn't ask you to." As I looked into his eyes I realized how important this moment was to him. "If it wasn't for the gonorrhea thing, there's no telling how we would have ended or…" I began to feel like I was saying too much. Sharing more than could be handled outside these walls.

"Or what?"

"Nothing. It's stupid. Come on, I won't count that as your question." I hoped that would help him to forget it, leave it to the unknown, but Jay doesn't work that way and it was a long shot expecting him to start now. He was a pusher. He pushed people, whether right or wrong.

"No, count it and answer it Greenpeace. Truth time is now." He gave me that smirk. That damn smirk which said so much without saying anything at all. God did I hate that smirk, yet wish I could possess its power.

"**Or** if we would have ended." I was nervous and felt the need to explain myself. "Well you and Alex broke up and we were getting close and…" The more I spoke the smaller my voice got. "… I really did like you." It felt good to say out loud. It made the last part of my confession easy. "I only broke it off because I had to. The gonorrhea thing just made it too difficult."

He sat there stunned and completely out of it. It was kinda cute, but at the same time unnerving. He wouldn't speak and the silence was killing me so I once again took the lead.

"You got two more questions left… Make them count." 


	9. Behind Enemy Lines

What the hell had I been drawn into

What the hell had I been drawn into? This recent confession session had taken my worse enemy and made her into something completely different. Me! A salvation? A release? Me! She had actual feelings for ME. This new information had completely bypassed my comprehension. Facts before never seen by me became gibberish. She mine as ell have been speaking German because trying to absorb these new revelations was about to make my head explode.

Then to top off everything I'm starting to feel stuff. The more she says the more it gets to me. It's like I want her to feel better, when I'm used to trying everything I possibly can to make her feel like shit. These feelings are really pissing me off cuz for the first time I don't know **WHAT** I feel for her. Why can't she just be Greenpeace? That annoying little crusader that irks the shit out of me all the time.

_Make them count._ How am I supposed to do that? What was there left for me to ask? I don't even get how we got THIS deep… On second thought I do have a question to ask her and it's a good one.

"Why are you telling me all of this?" I was a little freaked out be how this night was going. So many lines were being stripped away and I'm not sure if the result of this is gonna be good. I mean… this is my boy's girl and as far as I can tell, the things she's saying to me he don't know. There is something seriously fucked up about that! What is with this chick? Maybe she's been sniffing in too much of the chemicals in this bathroom, maybe…

"Well, if you must know…" She seemed a little irritated by my question. Insulted even. "For the first time in a while I felt the urge to be genuine… And I know you're not the type to care so… **THERE**." It was a half truth, but she couldn't tell that I knew. I decided for once not to push her and just ask my last question. I know, that's a very new thing for me, but it looked like she needed it.

"Are you satisfied with the events of tonight?"

"Well… It wasn't completely unpleasant and it's been a lot better than what I expected." She gave me a half smile. A mild and innocent attempt at my smirk. It looked cute on her.

"You turn to ask the questions Sprout."

Her approach to the questions was very different from mine. She started in with easy questions. Some she knew from the Ravine period and others just not worth knowing. It was like knowledge of my apprehension to sharing was causing her to ease me into the whole process. Eventually she hit me with the big questions when she was down to her final 10.

"Did you love Alex?" She had this nauseatingly hopeful face on, like I would give this long speech about my undying love for Alex. Not likely.

"I don't know. We were together for like forever so I guess…" She looked disappointed. "Who cares anyway? It's not like love is so grand a thing to experience." The second the words left my lips she looked completely disgusted to be sitting near me at that point. "What?... What's with the face?!"

"How can you say something like that?!... By the way this is NOT one of my questions." I don't get why this bothered her so much. It's just how I feel! "I mean LOVE is… I don't understand you! You are such a…"

"WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE?! It's not like you love Sean!... If anything you're the last person to pitch a fit because I don't think love is just so fucking special!" She looked down with sad eyes. Good job Hogart. Guess the truce is over.

"It's not like that." Her voice was so low. It matched the way she was looking at me perfectly. "I just don't get how you don't even care… I may not be IN LOVE with Sean, but I do LOVE him. Why do think I'm trying to stay sane, trying to be happy. He needs me to. How can you just not care? Love is…" It really mattered to her that I understood why love was important. I don't get why. It's just another thing I won't experience.

"Maybe I don't care because in MY WORLD love doesn't come. In my world you have parents and grandparents that basically tell you every reason why they don't love you… So sorry if I don't CARE about love. Maybe you should be asking why LOVE doesn't give a fuck about ME." She just looked at me and place her hand on the side of my cheek.

"It does… I know it does." She placed her remaining hand on my other cheek and smiled. "You just have to believe that you deserve it." This conversation was getting too deep for me. I just didn't want to talk about this anymore.

"Um… Can we get back to the questions?" She removed her hands from my face a little taken aback by my sudden change of conversation.

"Sure…sure."

"So… the truce still on?" I just needed to make sure.

"Yes Hogart… Now, how many different girls did you cheat on Alex with?"

"Is that including the time we were together?"

"Yes and any other time you cheated on her."

"Well when we first started dating I cheated on with a girl named Michelle or you can say I cheated on Michelle with Alex, considering I was with Michelle first. I was faithful for a while after that little stint until the Ravine incident. During that time it was YOU, Amy, Jessica, Tamber, and… Ra…no Ja…no it was… Chelsea. After that we pretty much broke up so… that's it." She looked shocked. I guess she didn't expect that many girls.

"I excepted Amy, but… and that was at the same time that we…" She just couldn't believe it. "You are such a…"

"Now stop right there… You can't judge me about what I do. You asked a question and I answered it, end of story… By the way, no. When me and you was going at it, it was just you and Amy, but from the time I started hanging out at the Ravine to the time Alex got sick there were others."

"Oh." She seemed a little happier now. This chick is so weird. " How do you feel about Alex being a lesbian?"

"At first I thought it was kinda cool, you know a little kinky, but then I thought about it and it started to hurt. It made me feel like I really fucked up to the point where she didn't even want to deal with men." She was real with me and the least I could do was be real with her. " I felt responsible for her turning and I covered it well with my sadistic sarcasm."

"It wasn't that good of a cover if you ask me."

"What do you mean?" I thought I played it off pretty well.

"I believe I'm the one asking the questions."

"Then ask." Her so-called insight into my inner workings as kinda annoying.

"When we took Sean home and me and you were alone near those grape vines… What was that all about?" I didn't get what she meant. I knew what she was talking about, but the question was confusing me. "The flirting."

"I see it as there were two girls there. One was Sean's and the other wasn't mine. You were a free agent… why not go for it. Plus you had really grown into your looks and was kinda vulnerable… You were actually pretty okay to be around, when you're not crusading against me and my lifestyle."

"O…kay." Once again it seemed like my answer disappointed her. But hey, it was the truth… shallow…maybe, but the truth.

"Sorry if I offended you virtue." I meant it as a joke but she wasn't taking it that way. The angry scowl from earlier was once again on her face leaving me to wonder AGAIN if the truce was over.

"What is with that? That crap about my virtue that spews from your lips at the most in-opportune moments?" I was slightly taken aback by how quickly she got offensive. "And yes, it is one of my questions!" I could see the slight role of her eyes and a quick mumble which sounded a lot like "asshole".

"Well it's what you are. Virtuous and pure. The most outta character thing you've done is ME. Be real. The only reason why you're sitting her getting all swole up in the face is because it's true… and you can't stand it." What was her damage. She's acting like I told her her tits were lopsided in a room full of people or something.

"You're wrong.." She began to stare me down, like she was trying to will her eyes to set me on fire. "You know nothing about my 'virtue' or what I have or haven't done. Your blind assumptions of my character just make you seem even more ignorant then we all know you are." She was pissed and now she was making me pissed. It wasn't even as serious as she was making it.

"You know what Greenpeace… stop bitching about stuff and grow the fuck up!" By now we were about an inch apart. And I know this gonna make me seem weird but I found the thing to be kinda… HOT. I feel like my better judgment was leaving cuz at that moment I began to lean into her with an urge to touch my lips to hers. Craziest thing is she wasn't stopping me. Just before our lips met her head lowered and in a whisper she began to speak.

"Why do you always call me that?... Why not just use my name?" I backed away from her as if nothing had happened and did my best to focus on what she was asking me.

"Is that one question or two?"

"One." She still hadn't looked me in the eyes since our near kiss and was now shifting uncomfortably from side to side.

"Um… It's. What. You. Are." I spoke kinda confused. I'd never really thought about it and I didn't want her to get all pissed again by my answer. Greenpeace just seemed to fit and how am I supposed to explain that. "I don't know. You're all mother earth this and boohoo the dolphins and… I DON'T KNOW!" What was she looking for. "It's a nickname. Last time I checked they don't all have reasons."

"But yours do." Once again her voice was small, but this time her head was up, yet still looking everywhere but me.

"It just seems to fit." It was all I could say. "Using your real name ain't my style. Even Alex got Lexi and Sean got BamBam, Slim Shady… need I go on?"

She shook her head 'No', once again eyes to the ground. The tension was building and with us it was bound to explode all over this bathroom.

"Don't you got like 4 more questions to ask?"


	10. Melting Together

Okay, this game of truth isn't as simple as I'd hoped

Okay, this game of truth isn't as simple as I'd hoped. Like most of my life there is always something that makes everything go insane. Like I can't have a simple and easy moment without the world ending or something. Weirdly enough honesty seems to be the trigger to the insanity I must once again suffer here. I almost forgot why people lie so often and here I am being a complete idiot by actually being noble and truthful. I'm such an idiot! And to top it off all this "truthfulness" is giving me a HEADACHE. It's so not fair!... For second I almost forgot how damaging telling the truth could be on the human psyche. Poor Jay… and most of all poor ME!

Did I mention with all the issues we keep stepping into this room is getting some serious tension. Like it's getting **SERIOUSLY** heated in here… and I mean in more ways then one. Come on I almost kissed JAY! I know I've done it before, but I was simple then and going through a very traumatic time in my life. Wh…Wha… WHY would I almost his **HIM**? I can't even stand to look at him right now. I feel so embarrassed. No… I feel like a whore. I am his best friend's girlfriend and I'm practically jumping his bones. Oh GOD! Maybe I just need to breathe. Maybe I'm just overreacting. It's not like we even kissed… I really hope I can get through these last four questions quickly cuz I don't think I can take much more of this. I almost feel like asking practically anything to just be done with them… but then again… there are things I really do wanna know… about OUR past.

"You said that you chose me. Why?" I've really wanted to know this since he said it outside of the school that day. It just didn't add up to me. Out of all those willing and far more experienced girls down at the Ravine why go out of your way to pursue me? It just didn't click to me.

"I guess it had a lot to do with Sean." WHAT!! How could any of that have to do with…

"SEAN" This so wasn't making any type of sense… Not even slightly.

"Yeah, Sean." I hate how he said that so nonchalantly like it wasn't weird or in any way a big deal. Our involvement was built on Sean. How in the world… "When I first met Sean…" He took a really deep breath like saying this took a lot out of him and would possibly reveal something he didn't want me to know. That breath was so intriguing to me. I made me want to really understand what Sean had to do with any of this. "…it was kinda sickening how into you he was. Like the Sun rose and set on your ass. I didn't get it."

"Okay but that still doesn't expla…" I was anxious to know what this all was leading to.

"I was getting to that… When he left there was this moment between yall before we got in the car. I don't think you guys thought anyone noticed, but I did. It got me thinking, what the hell was it about you that got to him so bad." Right there in that moment we connected eyes and I understood what he was getting at without him even saying it. "Me and Sean are alike in a lot of ways, but really different somehow. I guess it's something about our spirits or whatever. But because of all of that I had to see if what it was in him that made you this miraculous thing was the same in me. That what made him want to be with you and be better for you was in me."

Curiosity. One of the most life altering experiences of my high school LIFE was nothing but pure curiosity to him. It was kinda saddening. I don't know why. Maybe some part of me wanted it to be really significant to him… mean something special.

"So you were just curious…Wow" I was feeling kinda solemn right now and I wasn't hiding it well.

"Well yeah… but can you not make it seem so stupid."

"I'm sorry, but curiosity isn't exactly a reason to… do what you convinced me to do."

"CONVINCED YOU!... Can we not go back to this bullshit about who, what, why, and how it all happened that you sucked me off."

"Can you not be so vulgar about the entire thing? Seriously Jay! You just don't understand how your answer comes off to me…see as I am the subject and primary character in all of this."

"You asked the question Greenpeace? Don't get mad cuz the answer didn't fit into your perfect view of how things should be." I was speechless. He was right. I can't be mad. I asked the question and should just deal with the answer, even if it doesn't fit into what I wanted to hear.

"Ok…So…was it?"

"Excuse me?"

"Was it?"

"Was what?" He was looking at me like I was just trying to make him look stupid. I really wasn't. The question just kinda popped into my head.

"Was it the same?!" I was starting to feel really embarrassed by how the conversation turned and really needed an answer that didn't make me feel like an idiot. "Was it the same?!... Between **you** and **Sean**? You said you did it to find out if it was the same… So was it?"

"Yeah… It was." For the first time his voice was low. I don't think I've ever really heard him talk in this octave before. Even though it was so small it was so loud in my ears. I couldn't speak. I didn't want to say anything that ruined what he just said to me. " You really got to me… under my skin, you know? That kiss in the hallway thing normally wouldn't bother me."

"You still remember that?" I had to giggle a little. I never really thought of that as a big thing.

"Yeah… I do. It really messed with me…A LOT. Even after I pushed you away, kicked you out of my car, you still wanted me and…" This couldn't be real. At any moment I was gonna wake up and realize I just slipped on a bar of soap and dreamed up all of this. "…and I wanted you to that way…Wanting me." Jay was really speaking to me. Not my false little perfect self but the real me and it felt so…so… "But you didn't. And I handled the situation like a dick. But I got it…what made Sean go to the ends of the earth for you… Stand in front of a bullet for you…but you know some days I wish I hadn't." That brought me back to reality. Those few words really sucked me back into my situation.

"Why…why do you wish you hadn't? If it meant so much to you, why?" I wanted to know, NEEDED to know, because for once I was feeling something…GOOD. And I really needed that feeling to stay.

"Because you had Sean."

"We weren't even together at the time."

"Yeah, but you still had him. Even in Wasaga you were calling the shots with him. His girl said no, you said yes and he went with your answer. He wanted to be left alone and you were the only one brave enough to bother him and be excepted in." He stepped closer to me and looked down into my eyes. "You were Sean's and Sean was and is yours." He grabbed me on my shoulders and made sure that I was looking him straight in the eyes even if I didn't want to at the time. "There's only room for one normalcy challenged person in that happy equation" Normalcy challenged. That's how he viewed himself. But he wasn't the only one. "And you know it's not me." He was wrong by thinking that way. There was no equation here and he definitely wasn't cut out of it.

This night had really turned down a totally new path. With one question left I felt like everything I wanted to know was being realized. There was just one more piece of business to handle.

"So" As I spoke I moved slowly toward him. Each step feeling me with a certain type of joy. "Are you satisfied with the events of tonight?" By now I was directly beneath him awaiting his answer.

Tonight had meant so much to me and I'd hoped it was the same for him. In one night I felt different and if I didn't know any better it was because of Jay.

"I can think of a couple of things that could make it better." He gave me that smirk which I've come to admire and slowly wrapped his arm around my waist. God I love that smirk.

The space between us was becoming smaller by the second and the air had completely left the room. All that was there was us. Me and Jay. Jay and Me. He took his finger and angled my head up to his. He slowly removed his hand from my chin, sliding it back to rest on my neck. Teasing me with what was about to come, he slowly pulled my lips to him. I can't believe what's about to happen. Me and Jay are about to cross over to a new type of reality and I liked it. We are about to ki…

"Emma! Are you in there?!"


	11. Logical Thinking

Logic. That's what we've been missing since we got locked in this room. That little bit of common sense that tells you this whole thing isn't gonna have that happy fairytale ending. That this thing we were dumb enough to create in here couldn't exist outside of these walls. Yes, logic is what we've been lacking. Telling secrets and revealing things that were never meant to be uttered out loud. How stupid and naïve we have been. She is expected to be optimistic and gulable to reality but not me. I was supposed to be the smart one, the practical one.

Being locked away from the outside world takes away all logic. It made our good judgment fade away and our emotions get the better of us. There are boundaries for a reason. We've both come to know that, but somehow in here those boundaries seem to not matter. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Me and Emma is a bad combination. It always has been. I mean look at our track record. Someone always ends up hurt or damaged in one way or another. We're like fire and gasoline, nothing good comes of that combination. Plus, she's my best friend's girl and I was about to kiss her. Can't forget that! I'm such a fucking dickhead.

The sound of Sean's voice calling her name separated us before our lips even had the chance to graze each other. It was like being slapped in the face. Getting so close to something I really wanted and having it snatched away by… the world. But truthfully it's for the best. This so wouldn't have happened outside these walls and we both know it. Why fuck up a good thing? We're both pretty alright without taking it to the level we got to in here.

Once again Sean bangs on the door and it's like neither one of us is even registering it. It's like we want to but we can't. The guilt of what almost happened is finally reaching us at full force and we can't speak. I can't even look her in the face and I guess the shame of it all must be stopping her from looking at me too.

"Say something. You wanna get outta here don't you?" I spoke in a whisper trying to snap her back to this reality and away from whatever we were just trapped in. I don't know why I didn't just say something. Maybe I really didn't want to talk to Sean cuz as soon as the door opened she was his again and I couldn't do anything about that.

She looks at me. Just keeps looking at me with unfocused eyes and finally does what I've asked of her. As she speaks to Sean her eyes never leave mine. It killed me.

"Um…Yeah. Sean, I'm locked in. The door won't open." She whispered the last part and gave me this longing look that I couldn't knowingly return. That look would haunt my dreams and probably eat away at my soul because for the first time in a while I was doing the good guy thing by letting her have Sean, stability. Like I said before there was no room for me in their equation. She'd be better off if I didn't complicate her life anymore than I already have. I owed her that much. Especially after everything I've done to her.

"Sean! Jay's in here too. I kinda walked in on him and the got stuck." Once again the last part was in a whisper and sadder than the rest of her statement. She didn't want out and I didn't blame her. In here was peace. From what she's told me I can see it's something she hasn't had in a while.

"Okay, Em. I'm gonna get you outta there just hold on… I'll be right back." Good old Sean to the rescue. What a fucking martyr. Always down to whisk the damsel in distress away to safety. To bad he couldn't tell that she didn't wanna be rescued. I could see it in her eyes.

"Um…Jay." She looked at me with such remorse and regret. "About what just happened. I…"

"Don't sweat it Emma. I won't tell if you don't. Just think of it as another secret that we share."

"You just…"

"What? What did I just…?"

"Nothing." She was holding something back from me. It was probably for the best, it would only make things harder.

Talking wouldn't have made the situation easier. In here we crossed a line. A line that can't be changed or forgotten. A new piece of our past. A revelation of the power we held and still hold over each other. New questions seeped up through the silence of these walls asking us what came next. Talking wouldn't change that… nothing could… and I didn't want anything to. Because to change it would change everything and much like last time what we had was bad the end just sucked.

So we waited for Sean to return. And we waited for him to get the door open. And we waited for everything to go back to how it was outside in the real world. Never once did we look at each other or attempt a conversation. We just waited. It was easier to wait.

Once that door opened and we were free I never felt more trapped. Sean ran in and hugged Emma tight hitting me with a head-nod. His way of letting me know he noticed my existence in this small space.

"Manny's waiting for us in the car. The party ended like a half hour ago. I was so worried about…" We weren't listening. The idiot didn't even notice that as he went on our eyes connected revealing everything that's happened here and saying our final good-byes. Promising to keep the secrets told in here for as long as the world would allow. The end had come and I had no regrets… but one.

"Come on Em. It's getting late. Let me take you home." She looked to him and gave a smile (obviously fake, but he didn't notice).

"Okay." She gave one last look my way and walked out the door.

Sean soon followed but stopped halfway through the door and turned to me.

"Thanks man for watching her while yall was in here. And for not getting on her case. I know she's not your favorite person." He gave me a smile and walked out. I wanted to laugh at what he said. If only he knew how wrong he was.

I couldn't move. I wanted to but couldn't. Leaving here would make the end real. Once again Sean's got what I want and he doesn't even know it.

Being trapped in this room may have been the best thing to happen to me and one of the worst.

By the time I got home to my apartment it was close to 6 in the morning. The whole drive home was spent with me looking out the window at the world passing me by. At the beginning of the night I never thought I would be here. Trapped in a moment I can never get back. Regretting loving a girl I can never have or be good enough for.

Emma Nelson, my **destruction**.

**_Author's Note: hey just two more chapters to go. Hope everyone's been enjoying this story as much as me :-D READ AND REVIEW!!_**


	12. Out of Time

Time

Time. It's weird how we can go from having all the time in the world to no time at all. One second everything is becoming so clear and the next it's all fucked up again, almost as if that second of clarity never happened. It's like behind these walls time stopped long enough to bring the most unlikely pair of people together and then sped up enough to give us both a big fuck you, welcome back to reality. Before that knock it felt like we were in here for years and now it seems like only minutes. Something about this place made me not care about boundaries and the right thing to do. I was so willing to cross that line with him and I know he was willing to go there with me… Even if he is my boyfriend's BEST FRIEND… What the HELL was I thinking?

As soon as Sean's voice was heard everything seemed to move too fast. You don't even understand how close our lips were. I could feel the warmth of his breath and the hunger in his eyes… Then all of a sudden we were separated. It was like Sean's voice created a barrier between Jay and I that could stretch as long as time. His voice called to us, pulling us back into this reality… back into a world I wasn't ready to face. Yet on Jay's command I did.

"Say something. You wanna get outta here don't you?" Something about his voice just made me feel strong enough to take that step, to be part of whatever awaited me on the other side of that door. Something in his voice made me allow Sean to **rescue **us, even if I didn't want him to.

"Um…Yeah. Sean, I'm locked in. The door won't open." I wanted to tell Sean to go away, to forget me but I couldn't. Something in Jay's eyes told me it wouldn't be right.

"Sean! Jay's in here too. I kinda walked in on him and then got stuck." I don't know why I felt the need to explain to him why Jay was in here. Maybe I didn't want him to feel threatened (even though I know he should)

"Okay, Em. I'm gonna get you outta there just hold on… I'll be right back." And he was gone. And for the life of me I wished he'd never return. I wished so hard that he'd get distracted and leave and Me and Jay could finish whatever it is that we've began in here. Oh how I wished…

"Um…Jay. About what just happened. I…" I wanted to tell him that this thing we made in here mattered to me, that he mattered to me. I wanted him to know that this was one of the better days of my life and that he fit in my equation. Oh god he fit. Better than anyone before him. I wanted…

"Don't sweat it Emma. I won't tell if you don't." Not this. "Just think of it as another secret that we share." What the hell is he saying?! It's so much more than just a secret it's… it's… just so much more.

"You just…"

"What? What did I just…?" My name. Something he said wasn't his style or his thing in any way, shape, or form. My name. He used my actual name. That has to mean something! If he's willing to see **ME **as ME then why is he pulling away. Can't he see this isn't what I want at all.

"Nothing." If he didn't want me I'd just have to deal with it. Maybe I over exaggerated what was happening in here. Obviously I have, because if I hadn't he'd fight for me. It's Jay's way. Nothing stands in his way when he wants something… no even friendship. Right?

There was no point in fighting for something he didn't want. Once again my feelings seem to fail my logical side completely. And I end up here… waiting and silent… like always, like before.

In here we stepped over some unforeseen line and changed ourselves in each others eyes. We had become a new and, with the way things are going, bitter part of each others past. Guided by a power that wasn't meant to exist. We became a silence that held more questions the 50 men could speak. I couldn't let this go or forget and I hoped the same rang true for him.

When Sean opened that door it felt like once again the world had caved in on me. That I was trapped under the debris left by my fleeting hope and joy. And then to make things worse he hugged me.

"Manny's waiting for us in the car. The party ended like a half hour ago. I was so worried about…" Sean's hug didn't warm my skin and his words didn't warm my soul. Something about when Jay touched me and spoke I felt completely overcome with this high and otherworldly sensation. Sean didn't do that for me, but he was my boyfriend and like I've said before he needed me. Jay was strong he could handle not having me, but Sean wouldn't survive. And I couldn't handle doing that to someone as sweet to me as Sean.

So many regrets were in my mind. Not because of what happened in this room, but because of what I didn't say or do once that door opened an instead of Jay standing at my side Sean was.

"Come on Em. It's getting late. Let me take you home." My last chance to stop this atrocity and for once do something for my benefit and not the benefit of someone else… But I couldn't. I'm just not that selfish. Even when I wanna be. Instead I gave a fake smile and prepared myself for the hereafter.

"Okay." I completely relinquished all that I wanted with that one word that I wish had never existed. I just lowered my eyes out of Jay's vision and walked out of the door.

The walk down the hall and to the car was **THE **most painful thing I've ever done. It took everything in me to not cry or breakdown in the hallway between the sanctuary I just left and the car that lead back to my unhappy reality. But I did it for the same reason I keep my depression a secret and put on a good show for Sean… They need me to. And in this case even if he didn't know it, Jay needed me to walk away.

Once I was home Manny quickly falls into a peaceful sleep as I sit there unmoving and very conscious. When I'm sure she's not gonna wake up I stand in front of my mirror. In it I place the reflection of what I want and need. The reflection of the girl I created in that bathroom. I give the girl looking back at me all that tonight has given me. Saving it for a day when I might be strong enough to be her.

Joy fills me when looking at that girl. Because she's everything I'm not… everything I wish I had the guts to be. Strong, happy, at peace, and in **real **love. All of this because of a boy I can never have or pursue. A boy who once again has given me more than I could ever hope to have. A boy who has allowed me to find what's missing in me, that something or in this case someone to fill the hole in my soul. That gorgeous boy with the piercing sea green eyes.

Jayson Hogart. My eternal salvation.


	13. Is this How it Ends?

The weekend dragged on like so many before it, but somehow worse. When school came on Monday I actually welcomed it. I saw it as a break from a reality I didn't want to be a part of. It became the one time I didn't have to think about what happened. Didn't have to think about Jay, or Sean, or those hours spent freeing my spirit to once again squash it. Unfortunately it didn't prove to be much better than the former. All the problems I had in school just got added to the problems I was facing at home and in my heart. Being there just seemed to go on for years. Everything nowadays seemed to go on for years and I felt like it was killing me. I felt suffocated by this invisible force pulling me down into the quick sand and as of now I'm up to my neck and in any second I'm gonna be completely under. I couldn't handle anything and I had no clue why. I mean I've done this routine before. I've gone to school, hung out with Sean, hung out with Manny, and go home and fake perfection for my family. It was all so natural for me, but **NOW** it just doesn't seem to work. I just can't seem to get back into the swing of things. Everything is exactly the same, but for some reason I can't handle it. Why now?

When that final bell rang I was down the front steps and speedily walking home. I was completely focused on getting as far away from Degrassi and everything that reminded me of my life as quick as possible. I didn't even stop when Manny called my name from the front of the school or when Sean pulled up in his car to surprise me during his break. I couldn't give into what was surrounding me. Any other day…Maybe, but today I just couldn't. I needed to be alone, away from everything and everyone. It was all becoming too hard to keep faking.

It almost seemed as if I floated to my house and downstairs to my room because I was there in no time. I was finally in the one place in my entire life I find peace. The one place where I don't have to fake or remember. In here I can just be. My one place of calm…my bed. I slowly engulf myself in the sheets, cutting myself off from all of the outside interferences I deal with on a regular. I sink into my bed and finally allow myself to get lost in my fantasies. Ironically my fantasies are the only thing that bring me any joy besides for…**HIM**. But I can't have him so for now this will have to do. As the time passes I hear my mother and Snake call to me. Each trying to pull me out of my wonderland of bliss and anticipation, something I don't have in the world they're trying to get me to be part of. I hear a worried Manny at the foot of my bed but I can't come back to them. I need this in-order to be what they ask of me.

Their attempts are never failing but they can't reach me here. I won't let them. Here is warmth and revelation. In here there is no faking and no regrets… Just clarity. And as of now I'm lacking a lot of that.

I was under there for hours I know because when I finally reemerged into the real world the Sun had finally gone to sleep and my parents and Manny had given up there efforts and drifted off to sleep. I could have easily done the same… Drift into a beautiful slumber, but something prevented me from doing so. When I looked up into the moon, on the outskirts of my window, something about it called to me tell me that my night was far from over.

As I got up from my bed I made my way out of my window and down the street. The walk was effortless and short in term but it gave me the feeling of the end to a long and strenuous adventure. When I finally looked up to see where I was I found myself standing at the foot of the Ravine. The place I had gone so long ago for comfort and I was returning for the same reason, but seeking a different result.

As I looked out at the combination of stoners, drunkards, and sluts I saw HIM. The one person I've been hoping to see, but at the same time praying he'd never appear. I guess m body felt my urge to be near him because before I could process what I was doing I was already in front of him. There he sat drinking a beer, not registering a single thing around him, until he finally looked up and locked eyes with me.

No type of emotion was evident in his face as he took another sip of his beer never once breaking the eye contact that we held. There was a fire in his eyes that I understood wholeheartedly because it was the same fire that was imbedded into mine for him. I grabbed his beer and took a sip from it myself and found my place on the bench next to him. As I finished off his drink no words were spoken between us. All that could be heard was the voices of the party goers and our breath that was practically in-sync with each other. There really wasn't anything either of us could say. We both knew what was to come from this. Speaking would just make it come all the faster.

As I sat down is now empty beer he grabbed my hand. Still no words were spoken as once again we connected eyes. The fire in his eyes burned my soul and warmed my flesh to the point of melting. My deep brown mixed with his sea green in a swarm of cosmic delight. After about a minute of looking into each others souls the only words we could manage to say were finally spoken.

"So" It wasn't a question, just a way to show that we were both conscious of this moment. A way to show what that we both knew what was to come.

"So" He repeated it back to me in agreement of an unspoken question.

Once again silence overtook us as we got up and walked toward his car. Never once did our hands leave each others. His hand against mine burned in the most beautiful way. It made me want to hold on to his hand tighter in hopes that it would leave a scorch mark. A reminder of what he did to me just by touching me. Once at the car he unlocked the door allowing both of us to enter. He was even a big enough gentleman to grant me entrance into his baby first.

Neither of us got into the front. It just didn't seem right. In the front there was too much in-between us. There was enough standing in our way normally, we didn't need a few mechanical parts too. Sitting in his backseat our hands once again found each other. I allowed my head to rest on his shoulder while he gently began to stroke my hand. As I closed my eyes I willed my mind to remember this event perfectly. I did my best to take in his scent, his touch, his heartbeat, his everything.

We said nothing and never moved from the comfortable spot we created. We just set there trying to find the bravery to let go. As the light began to appear behind the trees that cut off the Ravine from the rest of the world he made the first move. In less than a second he had me facing him with our eyes intertwining. He relinquished my hand resetting it on my cheek while the other stroked my hair. I could tell he was trying to savior this because I was too.

Within seconds our lips had met. No teasing or workup was required for we knew where this would lead. I savored his taste and tried to take as much of him in as I could with this kiss. You could feel the hunger in both of our souls as I grabbed at his hair and he at my arms and body, trying as hard as we could to become one person. When we finally pulled away our foreheads rested together. Neither of us was willing to completely give up the closeness we had just been a part of. Our deep breaths were accompanied by longing looks and a severe smoldering fire in the both of our chest.

Out of nowhere tears sprung to my eyes and cascaded down my cheeks fiercely revealing my pain. No sound exited my lips, but he understood. This was our end. I couldn't be with him. Even though my heart and soul demanded it, I couldn't do it. He pulls me in deep again mixing my tears with the passion of his lips against mine. It was like fire and water meeting in an explosion of fervor. Once again he pulled away and all that we were pulled away with him. He looked at me with a rigid stare and a stoic tone to his voice.

"Go home Greenpeace."

And I did.

Walking away from him, we both knew it was good-bye. Temporary or long term we don't know, but it hurts all the same. He has his path to cross and I mine, and it just so happens we aren't meant to pass them together. Yet, for a moment they did intertwine and I will be forever grateful for that moment.

In that moment was so much and never will it be gone from my heart. For that moment saved me, but probably broke him. In it was so much good, yet so much bad. It fit us perfectly. Magnificent yet terrible all at once.

A moment. Our moment. Trapped.

_**Author's Note: Well this is the end. I hope all of you have enjoyed it as much as I have. I am considering doing a sequel to this and maybe another one related to this story. One option is a story about what was happening at the party while Emma and Jay were locked away. The other option is an actual sequel about what happens maybe a few years after the end of this story. Tell me what you think and which one you'd like to see. If I do do it will probably be posted around the middle of summer depending on how busy I am. R&R**_


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